The Dark Side Of The Lawn

I hope that I'm just pmsing and recent events are making me emotional, but recently I've been thinking alot about death. Not in the suicidal way but in the how do people go on when they lose someone really close to them? I've never lost anyone close to me, I mean sure my grandparents have died, my great aunts, an uncle and they were my family and I loved them, but I was never close to them. There was never really this void because I never saw these people except for once every 4 years or so! I didn't grow up with them and the ones that I did I moved away before I was old enough to really remember spending any time with them.

I live in a very small town, probably no more than 1000 people in the area (meaning Eureka, Rexford, Fortine and Trego). Everyone knows everyone, and if you don't know someone then you know know someone who does. A girl my age died a week ago in a car accident due to drinking, another girl was with her and was severely injured but is going to be ok. I didn't know either of them, though apparently I went to school with both of them though we didn't have any classes together. And that isn't really what's bothering me, what's bothering me is that a friend and coworker of mine was very close to the girl's family. Her sister is the sister of deceased's best friend. If that makes any sense. But she keeps telling me how the sister is constantly at her house and just keeps breaking down and it's horrible to hear because a part of me thinks "What if that was me? What if that was one of my sister's that had died? A good friend... Or Alex?" and the other part of me thinks "Everyone cares now, but give it a month and they'll be telling her to move on and get over it. It'll be old news in the town and no one will care anymore." Because that's how this town is, it's all about the latest gossip...

I have had an easy life, I'm not going to lie. I have a very loving and functional family, I've never suffered any tragedy or abuse. No one close to me has died, I don't struggle with any addictions or mental health issues. I have a wonderful husband, great friends and coworkers. And this scares me. Because EVERYONE I know has had something traumatic happen to them or suffered through some sort of ordeal, I've haven't. That means mine is still coming... But that's ok. I think I'm strong enough to take it, but it's still terrifying.

I've been thinking alot, and I hope that I don't die before Alex does. Not because I'm scared of death or because I'm trying to be a martyr and make people feel sorry for me. But because I know myself and I know him. He wouldn't be able to move on... I could. I know it's sounds horrible but I don't mean it like that. I just don't want him to suffer any more than he always has in his life.

Part of me does long for tragedy though... I think it's because sometimes I become so numb and apathetic to the world that I wish for something big to bring me back to my senses. I have a vivid imagination, and daydream often... Most of them involve something happening to someone close to me, usually my Dad or Alex. In others I have some terminal illness... I don't know how I became so macabre, and I don't enjoy being so. But it's been like this for as long as I can remember...

But these thoughts, accompanied by the tragedy in town, have had one good side effect. I'm trying not to take the people in my life for granted, especially Alex. I know I said I would want him to go before me because he would break if I died, but really I don't know what I'd do without him either...

There's so much I keep inside, and I want so badly to just say it somewhere, anywhere. But I'm always afraid of who's reading it and worrying people around me... But sometimes I just go for it anyway.

So to anyone and everyone that reads this, even if we don't talk that often or as much as we used to etc. Thank you for being my friend and no matter what you might think, I always care.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1LegWs8xdc

Hands down the most beautiful and haunting song I have heard in a LONG time. It's so good I actually bought it! And me being a notorious pirate, that says something.

Speaking of music, a friend of Alex's posted something about going to a Jars of Clay concert tonight in Kalispell and we were like WTF? I love Jars Of Clay! Then we found out that 4 other bands are playing the same show including Thousand Foot Krutch and FM Static. NANI!!!! Not my favorite bands by any means, but good bands that I would like to see live if the opportunity presented itself! Then he tells us it's only $20 admission. *cue 100th jawdrop* So Alex and I get all excited because he's never been to a concert before and I just haven't heard and good live music since Lunaractive 3 years ago... then we realize that is'a t 6pm tonight... And Alex works until 7 and it take an hour to drive there... *sniff* We were so close to going to a concert on really short notice! Damn damn dammit!

Oh well, it would've completely drained our bank account as we are teh uber broke right now, but would've been fun! And at the same thing I told him I would've felt like a fake going because it's a Christian bands festival concert thing and both of us are not Christians so maybe it's good that we didn't go... >.> Even if we do like the music regardless. I was just amazed that bands actually come to this part of Montana because well, there's nothing here!

Anyways, that's all I have to say. I'm going to go put My Skin on repeat on my iPod again... Probably then watch One Piece and eat assloads of popcorn! ^_^

Fuck weddings. Fuck them in the ass with a cactus. And possibly a blunt spoon.

Ugh, as the wedding is only a week away and I was talking to Holly (She's doing the music at our wedding) tonight, it's become painfully obvious that I need a Father Daughter dance song. So I'm scouring the internet trying to find something appropriate but not cheesy and for the love of god NOT COUNTRY!!!! For some odd reason this song has made me cry like 3 times already, that's how many times I've listened to it.

http://www.last.fm/music/Ben+Folds/_/Gracie?autostart

I guess it doesn't help that he is one of my absolute favorite artists. It's just so sweet too. It's not what I'm looking for with my Dad but I might end up doing it anyway. I wanted something much older, something that will make me think of only him. So pretty much Tennessee Ernie Ford, Hank Williams or Johnny Cash. Unfortunately somehow I lost all the Hank Williams stuff I stole from my Dad and I couldn't find any Tennessee Ernie songs that would be appropriate (at least not any in my collection, which is only a 3 cd collection of his greatest hits. =) ) except this one and only partially because my Dad is always singing it and partially because I always thought (as I was growing up) that the lyrics were "You don't have to be a lady to cry" and I thought it was a rather sexist song at the time! Lols.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6qIVA5XNoc

Or maybe even this one, though I don't recall hearing it before tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6izGp0pORd0

And Johnny Cash has so many amazing songs but I can't seem to find one that I think fits. Of course I'm going to ask my mom for help, I thought about asking my Dad too but I don't know, I kind of want to surprise him something sweet. =) Fuck me though, I so have no idea what I'm doing with any of this stuff!!!

Oh and do not even get me started on picking songs for Alex and I's first dance. The tears just won't stop!!! I really want to do this one:

http://www.last.fm/music/Death+Cab+for+Cutie/_/I+Will+Follow+You+Into+the+Dark?autostart

But it's just overly popular now and I'm afraid people will think it's about suicide rather than the idea of being together forever.

Then of course there's another Ben Fold's song I want, but I'm afraid that he's too indie for the crowd that will be there... Not to mention the fact that it's a little long-winded. (JUST LIKE ME!!!) But I do love this song:

http://www.last.fm/music/Ben+Folds/_/The+Luckiest?autostart

The song I wanted to do, because I hate being serious about anything, and actually thought it would be hilarious fun was "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, whom I have just recently drown to love. But everyone told me that was silly and Alex he wouldn't dance to it. People are no fun at all! =(

Then I thought of "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge but decided it was too dramatic. Thought about this one as Buddy Holly is one of my favorite artists of all time not to mention just amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBITIdFNlPk

Oh I also thought of doing Sunrise Sunset from Fiddler On The Roof for my Dad and I's dance but it just doesn't fit because my Dad isn't a big fan of musicals. Now it were me and my Mom dancing I'd pick that in a heartbeat I'm sure! ^_^

Anyways, I'm done being an indecisive tart but still am nowhere nearer to picking what I want. I hate decisions. I hate weddings for making me make them! =P Anyways, any thoughts anyone? =)

OMFG. I just got back from my bachelorette party that Stephanie and Brenda set up for me (David helped too). And I have to say I had a blast, it was the most fun I've had in a long time that did not involve Alex. And I have to admit I had my first real taste of alcohol tonight. And it was disgusting! Lol. I didn't have much but it was strong shit, I had a taste of a strong margarita (very ew btw) and two strawberry Jello shots, with straight vodka, not watered down at all. And with every single one, I almost puked it up. I even commented that I wanted to lick a dog to get that horrid taste out of my mouth! I'm not going to lie though, I was having a great time and get the feeling that I might be (have been, I don't know, I'm forcing myself to wind down now!) a wee bit buzzed. As I said fun, but disgusting and definitely NOT making a habit out of it! I felt so bad when I got home because one of the last things I did with the girls (and David! =P) was have a last Jello shot together so my breath still smelled like vodka and he can't stand the smell of alcohol and I kept apologizing. He said it was fine but I still feel really bad... =(

Anyways, Leanne (the bitch who did NOT show up!!!) made me an AWESOME penis cake, I have many photos which I might be inclined to share, but I warn you, they are not for the faint of heart!!! =P I have a condom balloon, a penis shot glass and a clothespin with the words "VAGINA PIE" written on it as my keepsakes from this night! =) Am still resisting the urge to shout "VAGINA PIE!!!!" at the top of my lungs! Lols! =)

Anyways, waiting for Alex to get home from taking Erika home (not cuz she was drunk as the two of us were the ones who didn't drink! Though she did have THREE Jello shots! Haha, which is nothing compared to how many the other girls had! But still I must make fun of her about it! =P But anyways it's because she doesn't have a vehicle... or a license and I didn't want her to have to call her parents when we could just take her home! =P) But I'm starting to get rather tired... And unfortunately I have to work in less than 8 hours... Poo poo.

Oh wells, this was a rather pointless journal but I had to write it anyway! My mind is beginning to get rather befuddled and Alex suspects I might have been a wee bit drunk since it was my first time and so it should affect me more! Once again though, so so nasty tasting! Why do people do it?!?! Anyways, toodle pip!

It's night night pumpkin time for me! ^_^

Somehow as I sit here hunched over with heart beat going rapidly, my breath labored, trying desperately not to vomit. (Stress will do this to you, in case you didn't know.) A thought occurs to me. A reflection about myself I guess.

I spend so much time living in the past, dwelling on past relationships with people, friends, family, boyfriends. I've never been able to accept letting go or that things have changed and people move on. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the center of others' universes. It comes from the need to always feel important to people. To make an impact, to know that people think about as often as I think about them. And while I know that doesn't happen, I always want it to, sometime I still have conversations with these people in mead, or imagine that they can hear what I'm thinking or see what I'm seeing. I guess I just wanted to feel connected somehow even though I'm just a vague memory to alot of these people.

I so desperately want to cling to old friendships and go back to the way things were. I only remember how we once were, not how we are now. I don't if it has to do with not respecting the fact that people evolve and change and become their persons as they get older and that of course, inevitably, things change.

I hate change, I've never been good with it. Major change (like moving) is the only thing that can send me into almost a year long deep depression where getting up is hard to do. Basic healthy things like showering or eating are chores. I generally tend to lie in bed, withdrawn completely into myself, unable to move, unable to speak. I just like there, with a pain in my heart that I wish I could cry just to feel some sort of release from the power it has over me, to be able to do something. I lie there and all I think about it what I left behind.

My point is while I sit there bemoaning the fact that a friend or two has moved on and found their own place in life in which I'm not a big part. I almost fail to notice that I have a great friend right here who would pretty much do anything for me, find time for me at any point. She will actually blow off any other plans she has if I tell her I'm free to hang out. And she's great, we really connect and just have a lot of fun. I'm converting her to wondrous geek ways (she's very willing of course! ;) ) and I just try to help her in her life in general, giving out crazy advice like giving her coach ghetto verbal assault and such things. I deviate though, my point is that she is great fun and a wonderful friend, and I once again am failing to return it, at least in my eyes, but I've always failed as a friend in my opinion.

I don't know why I can't stop living in the past, but I'm trying to overcome it. I guess what my epiphany was is that she is my best friend. Alex was always joking that ever since this past summer we've become BFF's and I just laughed at him, but it's kind of true as lame as that sounds. I mean she still has her other friends hat she's known longer and sees more often but that doesn't stop us from having a constant connection (which we abuse on Facebook and Twitter many times daily). I mean I'm having a hard time finding time to write to everyone that's been writing me (and it's been a few, let me tell you!) but she posts anything or writes to me and I'm instantly clicking reply!

Ok, I'm starting to babble, and I don't know if I had a point or not in this post but I guess it's just a general appreciation for what I have instead of dwelling on what I had. Not that I mean I'm going to cut out all past friends from my life, but I'll just stop deluding myself into thinking we still have something that we don't or thinking that it's been so long that we don't have anything in common anymore and they probably don't want to talk to a geek like me. In the same way that I appreciate a message, text, letter, Tweet and/or e-mail every now and then, I'm sure they'd like the same from me. I am babbling and talking about so many things at once here that it's crazy.

Let's try some deep breaths and a clear head.

Ok, just a quick rant to get this out! But yesterday I finally got all of wedding invitations done, I'm not going to lie it was the BIGGEST hassle in the world but they came out beautiful and everything is hunky dory! Now there's alot of people I want to send invites to that are not in town so I can't just drop them off and I don't have a current address for so I wrote just a general message out on Facebook as I really don't have most of these people's e-mail addresses either. (The art of e-mailing is one that I've long since forgotten... >.>) asking for addresses to send invitations.

FIVE people have already written back and said either "Too bad I can't make it" or "Congratulations" and NOT their address! Seriously, I really just want to write back "BITCH, I DIDN'T ASK IF YOU WERE COMING I ASKED FOR YOUR GODDAM ADDRESS TO SEND YOU AN INVITATION SO EVEN IF YOU AREN'T COMING YOU CAN KEEP IT AS MEMENTO TO REMEMBER THAT WE HAD WANTED YOU TO BE THERE IF YOU COULD!!!!"

Agh, I know I sound like a bitch, but I'm not going to lie I have never so stressed out in my life! And to top it off, I got 100 invitation and somehow have managed to come up with 10 more people to invite that I have invitations! And I'm so very tempted to not repeat my request for an invitation to these people and just fucking send it to someone else who apparently actually wants one!!!

Now as I often say, please excuse while I go attempt to drown myself in a toilet.

I just finished reading Stop In The Name Of Pants, yes the 9th book in the Confessions of Georgia Nicholson, the most hilariously girly British teen books I have ever read. They seriously make me laugh (like a loon on loon pills to quote the books! =P) Honestly, I'm finding it hard NOT to use phrases like "piddly diddly", "nervy b." and "nungas". But throughout reading this book I couldn't help but shout in my head "Jeezy Creezy would you get your shit together and just realize that you're in love with Dave The Laugh and he's in love with you!" Lolz, I don't know why I am so into these books but I am, they're my guilty pleasure! I started my friend Erika on them too now, I know she'll love them but also know she won't know what's going on half the time due to her completely ineptitude at British English, not to mention the slang!

Speaking of Erika, it was her birthday on Wednesday and she and I and Alex and Matteus (glorious overuse of the word and going on right there! ^_^) all headed down to Kalispell wetting our knickers because we were going to go see District 9, fuck yeah!!!! Only we failed to realize this movie wasn't going to be in theater until August 14th. We got to the theater and were all "WTF?" But we didn't want to ask and be all stupid looking but we saw it on a poster and were like, "Shit, we are retarded." I will tel you why we thought it was going to be playing now, see as you know G4 is my favorite tv network, and on that network Attack Of The Show is my favorite show, and the hosts of that show are Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn, I fucking heart them to death and want to have Kevin's keyboard cat babies and Olivia's pie babies!!! But anyways so naturally I follow both of them on my Twitter and Kevin had (two days before we did this) tweeted about how awesome the movie was and that it was a cross between Halo, Half-Life 2, Resident Evil 5 & Gundam! A promising combination which sparked a nice Transformers/Gundam debate between me and Matteus who claims the concept behind both is the same though of course it isn't and I had to beat some sense into him! Anyways, I totally spaced that he works in the entertainment biz and often gets invited to pre-release screenings of movies and was just so fucking excited that the movie was out and I was dying to see it, we all were. So much so that we completely ignored the part of the trailers telling us we still had to wait two weeks for it! Which landed us in our situation at the theater.

I fucking love my friends, we are insane and do stupid things and it's awesome. So we went to Borders bought books and coffee (I had a smoothie, cue coffee dislike) and then debated whether we wanted to see HBP again (Matteus hadn't seen it yet, Erika and I are unabashed crazy HP fangirls) or the Hangover (Alex and I hadn't seen that one, they said it was random and hysterical, though I often have a very different view of comedy than most people I know) or Bruno, none of us had seen that one. Oh did I mention we got a very late start getting there as Alex and Matteus went to help Val in the morning and took forever and Erika and I were at home waiting for the FedEx guy to come deliver our cell phones (we had to sign for 'em and so had to be home). Anyways we decided on Harry P due to a coin toss (Bruno had been ruled out earlier as a "rent when it comes out" movie) but we were already half an hour late for the showing and the next would get us home too late and Alec had to be at work at 10pm. So we decided to try the Whitefish theater, no luck either, so we said fuck it and went to McDonald's where I accidentally threw Matteus' McChicken in the garbage and Alex got dreadfully ill. And then we went home. Sounds like an uneventful day but fuck me it was so much fun!

Other than that, I love my cell phone, only picked it because it was free! FREE!! And it's a damn good cell phone for being free, Alex had wanted a touch screen one because he has large fingers and it's hard for him to hit the buttons, and our has a slide out qwerty keyboard, but he's managing, the typos are minimal! He's actually adjusting to it better than I am! I just wish I had more people to text though I have my sister, Matteus, Erika and Alex! That's it! I am pathetic! Of course I just haven't been bothered getting anyone else's number but really those are probably the only 4 peoples I'd text much anyway! Which is kind of silly what with me having unlimited texting and whatnot. I am like never going to use my minutes, and not because I'm not going to talk but we have the 10 People thing, you know unlimited calls to the 10 numbers of your choosing, yeah Alex and I only really have 10 people that we're going to be talking to! But it was worth the extra $20 a month to get it, because I KNOW that my sister is going to call me up on my cell and talk for HOURS! Se it's better to have it not count rather than go over!

Other other than that, work is actually quite fabulous this time around. I have a new coworker (2 actually, but the other one really isn't that much fun...) and he is fucking hysterical! I love him to bits! He's gay but of course that doesn't matter to me, I'd like him anyway, he's just alot of fun! And on top of that of course Brenda and Stephanie rock my world! And I have not had to work with twat bag (more commonly referred to as bitch face, I mean my manager! >.>) yet! I think if I had to work with her, I'd quit... again. Luckily enough though, she's going to be gone for two weeks, then back for a week and then supposedly she is gone for good! Woot woot!!! The work itself of course is still the same and still exhausting! But now we have enough people to get shit done and get out of there on time and I've been able to look past the tediousness (Ms. Madden ftw!) of it and just have fun! Plus, this is going to sound horrible, but it kind of makes me feel good being the most adept baker there. I mean, I'm not trying to brag, but I am, I am fast and I know my shit. And my stuff always looks fabulous. Not that the other girls don't do a good job, I'm not saying that, I'm just faster and I remember everything (for some odd reason) so I don't have to stop and ask how many minutes on this etc. Plus I don't stop to talk all the time and don't really take my breaks because I just like to get shit done! But anyways, my point is that it makes me feel good to be good at something again, even if it is just a crappy minimum wage job!

In other other other news, I am fucking sick of people asking me when Alex proposed or how he did etc. and then being all "Wtf" at me when I say he didn't. I'm sorry but I don't live by society's rules, standards or traditions, I've always thought that marriage should be something that both parties decided together not something one of them springs on the other! It's just so ridiculous to me, I just don't view that as romance and I never will. But other than that everyone's been so helpful with my wedding plans, the date still isn't set in stone only because we have to contact the Justice of the Peace we want to perform it and make sure October 14th works for him. And of course I still don't have rings, dress, tux or invitations. But I am working on getting a printer so I can make my own invitations! ^_^

Am still bummed of course that 4 of my close peeps won't be there, am still secretly hoping that maybe one or two of them will pop in and surprise us! Though I know it's very unlikely. Eek, I seriously can't describe how excited I am, nor just how good this all feels. As soon as Alex an I decided to get married, everything just fell into place for us, whereas shortly before that we were just trying to figure out what the fuck to do! God I love him so much. It's make me laugh to hear people talk about marriage as "settling down" because well in the sense they mean, we've already been settled down for over a year and quite literally we have not settled down, we still are crazy and have fun. I know it's corny, but we're a fucking team! Partners in crime bitches! ^.^

College provisions are being made as swiftly as possible, all that is missing from our respective files is our immunization records, haven't had a chance to pop down to the County Health Nurse's office to see Alex's aunt and have her get them for us and I still have to call or stop in at the school and get my high school transcripts sent. Bleagh, I hate doing that only because it's like 10 time since I graduated that I've had to have it done, I think Barb (the secretary) wants to kill me... >.> Am super excited about that though, am somewhat considering studying English as well though, maybe I'll do it as a minor instead of Cultural Anthropology... but fuck how can I bump that? It's so unfair that they make you pick just one thing to major in, if I had it my way, I would be studying 25 or more things in depth! ^_^

Anyways that's probably enough psycho-babble from me just realized I hadn't blogged in a while even though I've had so much to say! (Don't I always though, I really don't know how anyone can stand me at work! =P)

Have come to realize that I -really- have no life. Ok so I did get to spend some time with Ethan today and that was nice, seeing as how that was the second time I'd seen him since the summer started! And probably only about the tenth since I've frickin moved back here! >.< Not all his fault of course, I'm horrible at keeping in touch with anyone as I pretty live inside my own world. Alex has been accepted into this world, but other than that not that many people exist in this world of mine. At least not you know, real people... Alright now I'm babbling and I sound like a loony. But you know what, that's totally ok with me because it's like a part of the old me is coming back. Like seriously, I was reading my old dA journals and oh my god was I hilariously fun and random and crazy! I miss that and I'm trying to get it back. The other thing I'm trying to get back is my writing, and my reading.

It just really pains me that I used to be able to write, and not all of it was half bad. I mean none of it was amazing, but hell I don't care how good it was really, it just felt so good to write something, a poem or a story. It just gave me such a sense of accomplishment and achievement. And of course I hoped other people would like it and after a while I always whatever it was was grossly inadequate, but who fucking cares. I DID IT, didn't I? I wish the words would come to me again, but I'm afraid I've blocked them out, I don't know how to hear them anymore. I need to find my way back to that place again. It is very strange to me though that one of my crappiest poems, like I seriously think it HORRIBLE, has over 100 faves on dA... Of course I'm sure they're all 12 years olds who're in love with Edward Cullen, but it still kind of nice to know that even though it's been pretty much YEARS since I've written anything, that people still appreciate my work. Fuck, I still appreciate my work, I was rereading alot of it, not even remembering some of the poems and it made me sad that I didn't have this ability anymore. I mean I sort of do, but my thoughts are too fleeting and always when I'm too tired to move, and I can never remember them when I actually could've gotten them on paper. I guess it's not really that important, I've long since given up any aspirations to become a writer, but it would still be nice if I had that outlet of expression open to me. As I said, I'm still searching for a way back in.

Another thing I'm working on trying to get passionate about again is reading. In the past year I've read all of like 10 books, MAYBE! That's pretty much pathetic, I used to read 8 a week, because 8 was the most I was allowed to check out from the in one go and I went once a week. But I just finished reading the Fountainhead, which was completely amazing. I can't say whether I like it or Atlas Shrugged more, they're both so different that it's hard to compare them, I love them both. I honestly think that Ayn Rand is amazing. I want all of her work, pretty much all of it is nonfiction about objectivism, but I have this thirst to know more about it and it just won't go away until I read it all I'm sure. But anyways, I love reading books from libraries, for some odd reason as soon as I buy a book all motivation to read it just goes out the door!But if I check it out from a library, I pretty much devour it, if I have the time and energy of course, and now being purposefully unemployed, I most certainly do! And I recently discovered that our puny little local library is now connected to every other library in the northern and western parts of Montana!!! THEY HAVE BOOKS I WANT TO READ NOW!!!! YAYS!!! I already have 11 holds, I just remembered one more I want to read as I was typing this so make that 12 soon enough. I can't wait to start reading all these books again! I've got quite the range going too from teen comedy, young adult fantasy, adult fantasy, historical non-fiction, dystopian/sci-fi and philosophical. I'm all geared up and ready to go! Just waiting for the library to actually get them in now. *taps foot impatiently*

Anyways, I guess that's it from me! It's nice to feel (and blog) like my old self again. I see hope for the future m'dears! =)

On a very random whim that was made of awesomeness, Alex and I drove to Kalispell to see the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on it's premier date, putting the whole trip on my credit saying it was worth it. And it honestly was.

I'm not going to say that the movie was perfect in every way, shape or form, but my overall feeling from the movie is that of satisfaction. No other HP movie has satisfied me that way this one did. They either left out too much, or rushed everything by trying to add everything in, or had too much unnecessary comedy/angst. Now it's not to say this one wasn't guilty a one or two of those, but everything just flowed so perfectly, everything seemed like it was built up to just right, I wasn't getting bored or laughing at any ridiculousness it in. I was captivated, even though I've read the book numerous times, it was like it had disappeared from my memory and I had to know what was going to happen next. Everything just fit together so neatly, in such unison, just like how the books always did, this is the best Harry Potter movie so far, let's hope the next one (two really) lives up to the standard, nay outdoes it!

Dumbledore with the swirling fire was amazing, the Snape confrontationg equally so. And Malfoy has never been one of my favorite characters, ever. But this movie did a great job of portraying the weakness he never shows. Of showing just how much it can break a person to be 16 and ordered to kill the most kind and powerful wizard and the failure of doing being death. It was captivating to watch his struggle. And there were three lines that made seriously LOL (which I really don't often do in a movie, I mean I'll find things funny, but often I don't really voice it.) I won't spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen the movie but even though Ron is generally the comic relief, two of the lines were Harry's, one still makes me laugh just thinking about it! =)

Anyways, I have alot more that I could comment on that I thought was well done, but now let me stretch to think of the bad. The romance was WAY too drawn out. Which I guess isn't necessarily bad, it was a major factor in the book to, but it still felt just a little bit tedious. It started on weird note I thought, with Harry I mean, the Death Eaters in the Muggle world was a good start. His just seemed a little out of character I thought, since when does he hit on girls at cafes? Really? The complete and utter absence of Bill and Fleur was a little disappointing but understandable I guess, they didn't really contribute anything huge to the story. The lack of even an introduction to the new Minister of Magic was a little disappointing too, but I guess at least they acknowledged there was a new one. Oh and a lack of Percy too, he was in the last movie as I recall (I just saw it the other day) he was working under Fudge, but didn't he reconcile with his family in this book? Or is it Deathly Hallows? I've honestly only read DH once (I know, shame on me.) so I don't quite remember everything...

I think that was all the bad that I noticed. Otherwise I thought it was extremely well done and I will be seeing it again, as much as I can afford! Lol! =)

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Sorry, I had to voice my dismay at NOT being able to see the HBP on it's opening day to a glorious abundance of fail. IE being broke. Epic broke. And of course the nearest theater that's showing it is Kalispell... *sigh* MUST NOT PIRATE... *shifty eyes*

Anyways, feeling really accomplished today as the house is actually almost super clean!!! I'm not quite finished which is why it's only almost. It's kind of good that every few weeks it gets shown (it's for sale on the market, which is fine with me, if it sells it'll just give me the initiative to get my ass out of this time, actually I hope it does sell as Brenda really needs the money and basically can't afford to keep the cabins anymore... =( ) because then I actually have to clean it, and not just a half ass clean, it must be spotless!!! That's good because otherwise I'm pretty certain it would just go to hell in a hand basket! And not because I'm too lazy to clean, but because boys are messy. Having two of them in one little cabin equals horrible pigsty of death!!!! >.< Am currently pleased with Matteus though as after asking (well telling in Alex's case! Lol! =) ) him to take the garbage to the dump (yes, that IS just how civilized we are here in Montana) he actually did!!! *le gasp* ^_^

Oh by the way, just in case you're interested and/or cool enough (=P), my oldest sister introduced me to the most hilarious anime I have ever seen in my life. I warn you that it also the crudest and most vulgar but it's hysterical. It's called Detroit Metal City (DMC for short!) and it's about a guy in his twenties who moved to Tokyo to pursue his dream to be in a trendy Swedish pop band and instead somehow ended up being the singer and songwriter in an indie metal band whose popularity is increasing rapidly. Their songs and their whole look is pretty much demonic but it's hysterical to watch the guy try and lead his double life. Be prepared for extreme profanity if you decide to watch this! I fucking love it personally, it's just so outrageous! ^_^

Btw just in case you were wondering the Archos Internet Media Tablets are made of epic fail. Well in my opinion anyway, it's just really not quite there and so definitely not worth the money. Alas, if only I'd come to this realization a month ago... Am going to sell mine of eBay and hope for a new bigger iPod touch release this fall! And/or an Apple PC Tablet! *drools*

Uhm, let's see... what else is new? Oh ever since I went to DC I have become hopefully addicted to Final Fantasy Tactics A2, like epically. If Brenda hadn't called to let me know they were showing the cabin tomorrow, I would still have been playing it. I've only wasted 20 hours of my life on, so many more to come! ;)

Yarr, that's it I guess, I really should get back to work! It just not often these days that I'm really in a good mood! ^_^

So I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian for the first time yesterday and quite liked the movie. More than I thought I was going to seeing as how I only thought the first one was "ok" but the movie has complete been bested by the song they played at the end, which was not only appropriate in the movie, but completely beautiful in it's own right. Of course I instantly recognized the artist as Regina Spektor, and it's funny because I used to absolutely despise her music based on the one song I'd heard (Fidelity if you must know, couldn't stand that vocalization that she does) and that song came to grow on me after I listened to it again about 2 years later. Then I hunted down more of her stuff and loved it. I love her. I love THIS SONG. It is currently my favorite song. Everything about it is just beautiful, the lyrics, the melody, her voice, the music. It will stick with me for much, much longer than the movie will. Listen and love it too.

http://www.last.fm/music/Regina+Spektor/_/The+Call

Btw, I wouldn't watch the video, just listen to the song. Ok so I've never seen the video, but I'm pretty confident it will just take away from the perfectness of the song.

Ahh, am so excited about the new Harry Potter movie, I just can't freakin' wait!!! I watched a special behind the scenes thing on the making of the movie with interviews with the cast and crew and TONS of scenes that I had not seen form the movie before! Oh the HP fangirl in me will never die, ever! =)

Anyways, so yeah, since I last posted I've been, well fucking fabulous really! =D And I think part of that has to do with not being alone for most of the days. The one day that I was all alone in the house for about 5 hours, I was kind of super depressed and lonely and mopey... But that's about the only time I've been down! Matteus, Alex, Erika and I have been hanging out together alot. Which makes sense really, Alex and I are dating, Matteus is living with us and he's dating Erika. Of course we've all been friends for quite a while, but now we hang out alot more often! =)

The 4th of July was awesome, though sadly, Alexless. See he had to work from 1-10 that day and pretty much missed out on everything good except the firework and fire-roasted marshmallows. =) The rest of us spent the day at Erika's dad's house, jumping on the trampoline, getting in tickling fights on the trampoline (which I dominated at because I'm not ticklish at all! =P, thinking of ways to build a slip'n'slide, snuggling under a giant mass of blankets on the couch and watching Bridge To Teribithia, which I swear that Alex, Ethan, Matteus and I all went to see together at the theater in town, but Matteus was adamant that he's never seen it before. Alex is on my side and we're going to go to Ethan & Maggie for the final verdict! =P Ate awesome food there, the ribs were TO DIE FOR!!!! Well maybe not THAT good, but pretty fucking good. Second best I've ever had, the best being Florian's parents' ribs that I had when I went to his and Charlotte's wedding in Germany! =) But yes, Alex missed out on all that fun goodness so we went to visit him for the last hour of his shift with lots of food that we saved for him and just our awesome presence in general! =)

After he got off work we headed over to Dickie Lake, like we do ever year, to spend the 4th with his family and watch the fireworks. The best part about fireworks is not really the explosions (or whatever it's called) themselves, but afterwords when you blink you're eyes to can still see the pattern it made. It's really cool, me and Erika amused ourselves with blinking profusely during the show while Alex and Matteus went swimming and tried not to get hit by the falling debris! Then we moved on to roasting hot dogs and marshmallows and (probably my favorite thing of the night) playing with sparklers! And I don't just mean waving them around like a retard, I mean using the proper swish and flick motion and saying "Wingardium Leviosa!" And other such things, we even went so far as to have a fight (we being Erika and I of course, the boys were too busy eating to really care), throwing all of our best spells at each other, but of course Matteus burst in and Avada Kedavra'd us to death. =( I think my favorite one though was when I let my sparkler burn down to almost the end and just at the perfect moment I said "Nox!" Lol, priceless win! xD

Then on the way home we decided to be crazy and awesome and did I mention crazy? I mean we'd been planning to do it for a while but one or two of us always ended up sleeping instead, but that night, the four of us could not be stopped! =P On the way home we stopped at Sophie Lake (about 2 miles or so from my house, it's a public beach, our lake is private.) and went SKINNY-DIPPING!!!! OMFG! I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID IT, BUT I DID!!! It was hysterical really, the guys like stripped down to their boxers instantly and me and Erika were kind of dawdling, somewhat embarrassed and then we stopped and started talking about something or another and I look over to the end of the dock in time to see two whitey asses jumping in the water and I exclaimed "OMG THEY'RE NAKED ALREADY! WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?" Rofl, it was hilarious, I'm pretty certain I woke up the whole neighborhood! =P So we followed suit and stripped down and jumped in and oh my god it was fucking COLD!!!! Like so cold it hurt, at least on my legs, I kind of had a really bad razor burn, heh I was shaving without any soap or shaving cream again, not that I didn't have any, it's just takes so much more time and effort... but I paid my price for it! It HURT! I could not stop shivering really, so cold, so painful, but still so fun! It was really so much skinny dipping as skinny jumping, standing and ducking! Lol, none of us actually swam while in there it was much too cold, we tried so do a group huddle for warmth but it didn't really help, and as I said, it's public access to the lake and you can see down onto the lake from the road and so every time a car was coming or passing by we were like "FUCK!" *hiding and praying they don't decide to go for a midnight swim as well* But we didn't get caught so it was cool! =) We decided that next time we're waiting until Erika's mom goes out of town and going nekkid hot tubbing instead, much more comfortable for all involved! =D

Anyways so after all that fun was over we headed home to watch movies and whatnot, the guys stayed very naked for the rest of the night, while Erika and I decided to put our knickers and bras back on! =P We watched the original Clerks, I was educating Erika and Matteus you see, Kevin Smith virgins! Well, not exactly but close enough for not having already seen Clerks!!! I went to bed before everyone else, Alex followed about and hour later, and apparently Erika and Matteus went an hour after that. I of course woke up first, as I always do, with my complete inability to sleep in kicking in. Alex got about 5 minutes after I did claiming he couldn't sleep anymore and we made coffee and breakfast and woke the young'uns up! (I'm really only 4 months older than Matteus but is so much fun to remind him of that, and I'm a year older than Erika. Alex beats us all by being almost 22! *le gasp* =P) I spent the morning organizing my iTunes library, which apparently everyone else found fascinating because they watched me do it for an hour or so! Lol, Alex had to go to work (there seems to be a pattern with that... =P) But I really didn't want him to go because he was working two back to back shifts. 16 hours in one go. Well 8 hours and a one hour break and then 8 more hours. 1pm-6am. Uh yeah, shitastic! But he went and the rest of us fell asleep until about 6 or so when Erika's mom called and basically like "Where the fuck are you?! Get your ass home!!" We all forget that she's not as free as us and still has parental control in her life for another year! Anyways so we took her home, got Alex a huge coffee of yumminess and bothered him at work for a while, then headed home to make him some dinner so he could eat a hot meal when he got home for his break.

After he went back to work, me and Matteus vowed to stay up until he got home, solidarity you know! SO we watched all of Clerks: The Animated Series and Clerks II (I had told he was not allowed to watch them until he saw the original!) and Margaret Cho's Assassin, which he enjoyed but didn't really love like I do, which I totally understand I mean he doesn't really fit the target audience, what with being a straight white guy! =P But he did think she was funny and that she had alot of good points (politically and socially speaking) in her show. And then we both kind of zoned out for a while, he on his iPod Touch, I on the computer. And I still had tons of energy but my eyes hurt so so badly so I'm like, I'm just going to rest my eyes, make sure to wake me up in like a half hour, I'll be fine then! So he started watching this cool German movie that took place during the Holocaust that was about these Jews being forced to make counterfeit dollars for the Germans and started dozing a bit too, so he actually woke me up and hour later. Which meant that we had half and hour to hold on until Alex got there! It was a hard half hour, a horrible thought occurred to me during it, "What if he doesn't finish on time?? And we have to wait an extra hour?!" We were both like, I don't think I can do it! But luckily he showed up on time and we all headed straight to bed, together! Lol, Matteus was like "After being deprived of sleep for this long, I am NOT sleeping on the couch, I'm getting in on that comfy bed!" Rofl! =) I actually ended up on the bunk bed as I was in the middle and they were putting off way too much heat than was comfortable for me!

But anyways, there's a run down of my two days! They were alot of fun, I especially enjoy spending time with Matteus, me and him pretty much can talk about anything and tell each other everything. It's pretty freaking awesome actually, as I don't really have that many people like that in my life. I am going to be so sad when he finally does move to Sweden... =(

Though, we were all thinking about moving to Seattle this fall. Because ALL of us want OUT of this town. And we all love Seattle! =) But I don't, it's mostly dreaming on our part, but at the same time it's a nice dream to have.

But yeah, everything's been pretty good, I am so enjoying being free from the chains of my work! =P Though we need to save up money to pay for the wedding (YES, we DID decide that we're going to have one, but we know we can't afford it yet or soon. I am torn about going back to work... But Deb said she might fit me in at Trappers as a dish washer and prep cook, and that'd be cool! ^_^) and money to move out, wherever we might go.

Anyways, that's about it, I couldn't sleep so got up to spend some quality time with my laptop, his name is Paulo in case you were wondering! ;P And now I have realized that I am starving! So toodle-oos! ^_^

So much has gone on since I last posted!! Some bad, most good though! (For once!) ^_^

( Who knew a week and a half could take so long to describe! Lol! =) )

Sometimes, I just really wish I had someone to talk to at time like these. Someone who is just magically always there when I needed them. Of course that's not humanly possible for anyone, so I never expect, but always hope. If I were a religious person I suppose I would talk to God, or whichever entity I believed in, but I'm not, all I have is a computer and once upon a time I believed it to be all I needed.

( This is who I really am inside. )

LJ, what's that precious???

Seriously, I've started dozens of new journals and gotten quite far into them before I was like "Aw fuck it" and just scrapped the whole thing. Have realized that nothing I have to say bears any real importance and so have just given up. Right now I am journaling because the internet is no longer filling all my bored needs. Tut tut. I though that was it's job!

Lol, speaking of JOBS guess who doesn't have one anymore????

That's right, ME!!!!

( Horrific work rant of doom!!! Am mainly cutting to see if it actually works. Someone let me know if it does! ^_^ )

Anyways, I'm really proud of myself for doing this because if you know me at all then you know that I'm not a very assertive person. So even if was the wrong move, I'm still glad I made it because I did it on my own. I didn't talk to anyone about it, I didn't worry about anyone when I was debating it out. I thought about me, what I wanted, what I needed, what would be best for me. And I acted accordingly. Go me, it's a step in the right direction.

Anyways, I was going to talk about lots of other stuff, but you know what, I've been keeping all this stuff about work in for too long and I guess it's all spilling out now! Sorries!!

Ugh what is up with me and my epic fail of selfishness??? I've always known that I'm selfish, it's one of my major failings but seriously, my spending and possession obsession combined with my selfishness is just a whole other story!!

As aforementioned my sister is getting married at the end of next month and I promised her I'd be there because I can take the time off work and can afford a ticket. So I was on the NWA website looking to see just about how much a ticket would be for a week around that time and it's pretty freakin' inexpensive, so inexpensive that after this next payday I could afford to buy a ticket for both me and Alex!! Yay for us! ... The only thing is that after this next pay day is my birthday... And we've been planning for me to have a little shopping spree down in Kalispell with my friends... You know to celebrate my birthday (for once, I never do ANYTHING for my birthday) and spend time with the people that are leaving me! *sniff* Matteus and Ethan, though Ethan claims he isn't leaving, I get the feeling that he is, but maybe I'm just paranoid... But anyways so yeah kind of had wanted to go crazy and have fun for my birthday, buying tickets would leave me epic broke... Like can't even afford the gas for the truck to go to Kalispell let alone buy anything at all down there... >.>

I'm horrible aren't I? See the thing is that we'd be able to afford the tickets the paycheck after and don't have anything else we were planning on spending it on but I'm worried that the tickets will be more expensive and only I'll be able to go, which is fine I guess, it's really only important for me to be there but Alex has never been to DC and I thought it would be fun for us to go sightseeing, plus he's never really flown before (he did once when he was really young so it doesn't really count!) and I though a semi-short trip like this would be good for him and he loves my family as well and wants to see them again... But there's always the chance that the tickets will still be cheap, maybe on a different day around that time... >.>

Ugh, look I'm talking myself into doing it, I'm despicable! It's my sister's wedding GODAMMIT!! *slaps self* I'm so evil... I feel so horrible right now... Am I honestly trying to pick manga, video games, anime, movies and electronics (or whatever it is I choose to buy, maybe art or clothes... ANYWAYS) over being there for my own sister and seeing my family again????

I need help... Seriously, I want to go and be there for my sister and I don't mind spending the money at all, except that I've already spent it all in my mind on other things... And the part of me that's wants to take the chance that the tickets will be just as cheap in 3 weeks as the are now is so much stronger than the part that wants to do the right thing...

*sigh* I'll talk to Alex when he gets home (in 25 mins) and see if he can put my mind at ease... Though I know he won't because he never tries to control me and always lets me do what I want. He needs to set boundaries before I start crossing lines though because as I mentioned in my last journal, I am a major taker not a giver...

Fuck my life I'm such a bitch! SHE'S MY SISTER!!! AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED!!!! This is only going to happen ONCE!!! All that crap I want will still be there later!!!!

Now I'm just fighting with myself... I'll take my "what should be an obvious choice but isn't because I'm a bitch" problems elsewhere! =P

I talked to Sean again this morning. I mean really talked to him, the way we used to. It was really nice, I feel so much better now, just about everything. He just completely reassures me when I'm freaking out and makes me feel normal, you know like my problems and such don't make me crazy! I guess that's what's friends are for though! ^_^

Although now that I think about it we both had strong feelings that I might have bi-polar... Lol, so maybe not that normal! =P

But I've been feeling really lost and stressed and just down and moody recently and talking to him really just lifted that veil from me! I've got my focus again and my direction and everything.

I feel great about my relationship, my life and my choices. I feel great about myself.

Not that I didn't before, I guess it's just there was some sort of shroud over my heart though, if that makes any sense. Like I didn't really feel any pleasure about any thing, kind of numb I guess but more just worn out.

I am trying to improve myself though because I'm a taker and I know it. I want to try to give back more to the people who mean alot to me and show them I care.

That's why I'm waiting up for Alex even though I'm tired because so many times he'll get up early in the morning for me but I'm always sound asleep when he gets home and don't spend any time with him.

I love him. Undoubtedly and completely.

I know I have my worries all the time and have a wandering eye (sort of) but I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything in my life.

I want to marry him.

Maybe not exactly now or really soon. But it wouldn't bother me at all to start making plans for it. I'm not afraid any more, I know myself better now. =)

I feel good. And happy.

Though it pains me to realize that my moods have been rubbing off on Alex too, we had the best day today we've had in a long time, all because my attitude changed. It was as simple as that.

I learned to stop doubting myself, I'm not afraid anymore. It's amazing.

I'm not worried about college any more. I'll make it work for me.

I feel... like... me. Again. Finally.

I'll try to stay me now.

Easier said than done though! ;)


In other news my sister is getting married. I heard it from my other sister on the phone today. No date has been set but they're working on it, hopefully sometime next month. I'm not sure why she hasn't told me directly but that's ok, Charlotte said she [Amy] didn't think I'd be able to make it anyway and didn't want to say anything until they'd set the date. Crazy family, I most certainly WILL make it. I can take the time off work and a plane ticket is pretty much the same price as any one of my orders of anime, books, electronics or cards. I'm broke because I spend my money on stupid things not because of my cost of living. It's self-imposed brokeness that I will throw away for something more important like my sister's wedding! I've never met him but she seems really happy and he seems like a really good guy so I'm happy for her!

Although I feel like my thunder's been stolen a bit! I was thinking about getting married by the end of summer! She beat me to it! =P I probably wouldn't yet anyway, not because I'm not ready but because I don't think the two people I want to be there would be able to make it. And I'm not getting married without them there! Well I might if I hook them up to a webcam or something and then go to Ireland on my honeymoon but it wouldn't be the same...

Hmm, I just realized that I'm not even worried about what people will think or say if we get engaged. I used to be so afraid of being judged and right now I just don't give a shit what anyone thinks. For real, I don't care if I'm being all sappy and gushy or if I'm being irrational or whatever. My life, my choice and I'm happy, that's all that matters.

Hmmm... I'm babbling slightly but I don't know, I just wanted to share my new (or rather regained) happiness and perspective on life with someone!

Crap, I definitely can't get married yet because Matteus will be in Sweden and he's best man... Damn, why is it that all the important people have to be far away? Oh wells, it can wait, neither of us are going anywhere or finding anyone else! ^_^

Well, I'm going to go and start trying to be a good girlfriend and I'm going to make Alex some dinner before he gets home. He deserves it! And he does it for me all the time! =)

So before I go, I'm sorry if I've never said this before to you, but I appreciate every single thing that you've ever done for me and if I can ever do anything in return for you, I will.

Be happy.

Blah I hate college already and I haven't even started yet!!!!

It's so fucking stressful!!! Just trying to decide what you want to do and where you want to go because once you finally decide someone will come along and tell you that you shouldn't do that!! Fuck me this happens every time I make up my mind on something!

Ok so I know Sally was really only trying to be helpful and let us know about our other options that would be more cost efficient but just because it was right for her doesn't mean it's going to be right for us. It's right for Alex actually because he doesn't know what he wants to do yet but I do!!!

Sorry, I'm being vague but Sally is Alex's sister first off, the one we like! Well we like his other sister too just not as much because she's kind of a bitch! Lol, anyways and she really thinks that we should go to the FVCC (Flathead Valley Community College you know) in Kalispell and get our basics out of the way, IE an associates in arts or sciences and then transfer to UM because well, it's cheaper. Which would be great if I didn't plan on studying Japanese which FVCC does NOT offer. Lol it was funny, the conversation went a little like this:

Sally: Why did you choose UM anyway?
Me: Wider course selection basically. They offer the degree I want!
Sally: What do you want to study?
Me: Japanese!
Sally: Well FVCC offers Chinese! *prattles on about the Chinese courses I could take*
Me: -_- ... That's not the same...

Anyways as far as I can recall for my Japanese degree I pretty much have 4 semesters where I have to take Japanese (studying the actual language you know) then after I do that I have 2 semesters of studying Japanese philosophy and literature. Then I have one year that I can take to study abroad in Japan or continue to take Japanese history courses and such... I'm sorry but I'm pretty certain this is not possibly if I dally away for 2 years at a Community College because it's cheaper, this'd be a fucking hard degree to try and squish into 2 years only... >.>

I'm not saying I don't appreciate her help or that I won't consider but sweet Jesus fucking Christ all this deciding makes my bloody head hurt! Cuz now I'm like, well I could do history I do like history... OR I can take those Chinese classes she was talking about and transfer to UM and just do Asian studies there (it's offered as a concentration in Liberal Arts degree). Maybe I should just get an AA because I'm not even sure if I'll follow through on the Japanese thing anyway! Maybe I'll take up something like Anthropology or whatnot! =P

But seriously, why can't I just take the simple route? Go to a university, live on campus, fiddle around with classes that sound interesting until you find the ones that completely suit you... *le sigh* I don't know, I don't fucking know!

IF we went to Kalispell there's actually rather alot of pros... Almost ALL of our friends are there now (attending the FVCC no less! =P), it's closer to home & family (well Alex's anyways, Sally and Andy live in Kalispell and Eureka is only an hour's drive away), college would be cheaper, we'd be allowed to live together off campus no problem, living there would be cheaper, it's a smaller and more familiar setting than Missoula...

Fuck me I should go to the FVCC shouldn't I?

... Fuck I hate being proved wrong.

... Fuck, I still don't know what the fuck to do!! I'm too easily swayed!!

It's been bothering me all night and now I can't sleep. We went to dinner at Alex's grandparent's house yesterday with Val and Sally, it was nice. We haven't seen his family in a while and I think I miss having a family you know? I had the same nice feeling when I was over at Ethan's house and Joe was throwing darts and Matteus! It's just nice to have a family to have fun with and to care about you. =)

... I miss my family. *le sigh* Oh well... tihs blog was about college not me being mopey! xP

For serious though I think Sally's got me convinced to go that route... Evil conniving wench! T.T Lol, well anyways I'm going to go raep my PS3 now, toodles! xP

Going to try for a short entry this time, but everyone who knows me at al knows how fucking long-winded I am! =P

So I pretty much had one of the best nights of my life the night before last. Or at least the best I've had in a fucking llloooooooonnngggg time! Pretty much Matteus, Ethan and Erika all came over and spent the night and we had way to much Mountain Dew & Vault. Good thing none of us drink otherwise things would've been much more insane, which is pretty scary because everything was crazy as it is! Lots of music, games, pictures, midnight swimming, shirt stripping, dancing and other fabulousnous! ^_^ Ethan and Matteus's underwear are in my washer... Not sure why Ethan's are there but Matteus went swimming in his then came back and took a shower and had to go commando afterwards because his boxers were quite soaked. Lol, Maggie (Ethan's mother, Matteus is living with them at the moment) is going to be very very VERY suspicious when I stop by to give them back! Lol! ^_^

I am currently wondering why our old roommate seems to think that me and Alex were tearing him and Katie's relationship apart... >.> It's really bothering me but whatever... I honestly don't think they're right for each other but that's not for me to decide and if they're happy more power to them! Yeah I guess we did bail out on them but honestly I don't think he gets how much it was killing Alex to be stuck at home with Katie all day. All she did was insult and criticize him, she may not have meant it like that but that's always how it came out. It was killing him and it was killing me to live there, I don't do well with other people in my space. Not because I'm like territorial or anything, just anti-social and basically I just want people to fuck off and leave me alone, doesn't happen unless I've got my own space! Ugh, oh well... That'll teach me to read people's blogs on MySpace... >.>

Which reminds me that Ethan and his girlfriend broke up. I am trying so hard not to be mean about it but I REALLY didn't like her... That's totally putting it mildly but Ethan's sake I'm trying my hardest to be nice! I mean it was a mutual thing sort of and they were going to break up when he graduated anyway because he's leaving! But yeah I only had a problem with her really because well for one she didn't get him like AT ALL, I would know, he's my best friend and I TOTALLY get him! And she hated my guts, with like a fiery passion! Every time she saw me she shot daggers with her eyes like you would not believe! I mean sure, she had right to feel a little threatened by me, me and Ethan have a romantic history that ended on my terms not his and we're still really close. But she did have to be so filled with jealously that she had to hate me so much that she tried to keep him from seeing me! Ok, well that didn't exactly happen but as soon as they got together he kind of avoided me. I mean it wasn't just the ignoring me because he's got a girlfriend now kind of thing, but avoiding me like she told him she didn't want him to hang out with me anymore kind of avoiding me... Whatever, anyways, she sort of tried to make peace with me and added me on Facebook and talked to me but I could still tel she didn't like me, and I didn't give her any reason to believe the feeling wasn't mutual! But anyways, my story was that she changed he relationship status and I had to try so hard to not click the "Like" button on it! That's how much of a bitch I am! Rofl! xD

But yeah, I've honestly now seen Ethan more time in the week that they've been broken up than in the 7 or 8 months that they were together! I'm so glad, he probably doesn't know how badly it hurt me when we drifted during that time... Alex does, I cried, alot! I guess it made me feel good when he called me to see if I was home so he could come over after they broke up. It was just nice to know that I was still the one he picked to bare his heart to. Even if I'm not the most supportive, I just honestly don't know how to be, I just usually make people laugh and try to take their minds off of stuff! =) I'm glad he's back, I missed him alot. I guess it's the same thing with him as it is with Sean, there'll always be feelings there, ones I won't ever be able to erase, they'll always be a part of my life. It doesn't mean I love Alex any less or anything, just that he wasn't the first to gain my love. I'm totally not saying I want to be with Sean or Ethan, I'm very happy with Alex and I'm with him because I WANT to be you know? There'll just always be a kind of deep intimacy (not like in the physical kind of way) between me and Sean and me and Ethan that can't be undone and honestly, I don't mind that at all. It's really nice to be that close to someone.

I'm rambling, I didn't mean to start talking about that because I could go on and on about it forever, I guess the best part is that Alex completely understands. That's why he's perfect for me! ^_^ Seriously, I am so in love with him that sometimes it honestly scares me. Though at the same time it makes me feel good when other people see how great we are together. Like my co-workers! For example the other day at work I was out putting french bread on the shelves and Alex was running till 1 and I was kind of looking at him hoping he'd look at me so I could just wave and say hello and he didn't so I started walking back into the bakery and I turned my head to see if he'd noticed I was there yet and I was staring at him and walking in the opposite direction and walked straight into the deli's cold case! It was so funny, all the girls were laughing at me and Brenda just looks at me and says "You've been together HOW LONG and that STILL happens?!?!? That's so wonderful!" ... That made me feel good, I didn't realize that two-year coupes weren't supposed to behave like that! Lol!

Ugh, found out that me and Alex probably won't be able to live together during our first year of college unless we're married... >.> See we have to live on Campus for the first year, tis the rules and they have special kind of housing for the people with spouses or children... And I'm really hoping that if me and Alex say we're engaged that we can live together... I don't now, I have to write to an admissions counselor there and find out and I know this is going to sound stupid but I don't think I want to go if me and Alex can't live together. Married or not, children or not, we are a family. In the past year that's what we've become and it's wonderful! Plus, I'm not exactly clingy, but I pretty much need a good daily dose of Alex to keep me sane, even now where I hardly see him because of our conflicting work schedules I'm going nuts! Sigh, I know I sound pathetic but honestly I've never felt this way about anyone before. I have sort of, just not as intense and they were get on my nerves quite a few times... While Alex irritates me, he never really annoys me or angers me and there is a difference! But I don't want to marry him unless I'm ready and I don't feel ready, I definitely don't want to do it just so I can get cheap college and live with him during it. That just feel so wrong. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to marry him at all though. In so many ways I want it so much but at the same time am so afraid... I guess I'm just overly cautious and don't want to rush into things seeing as how I've been engaged twice before! And I'm only 18!!!! >.>

Cough cough, sorry more rambling, I'm done. I honestly don't know what I'll do if I don't live with Alex, we take care of each other, we need each other! Sorry, I sound like a lame teen don't I? Bleagh, I'm sickening myself now! I don't even want to listen to my own whining! >.<

Haha, in other news I love Sean's girlfriend! She's awesome and I hope they stay happy together for a long long time! ^_^

Okies well I'm going now as I'm starving and I've got the mind to beat Puzzle Quest tonight... Honestly, next to the Katamari games, it is one of the most fabulously wonderfully addicting games! ^_^ And when I beat it, I will finally be able to say that I beat a game that wasn't Pokemon without cheating! ... Ok I kind of cheated like three times... I couldn't figure the puzzle out on how to capture three of the creatures and looked it up but that's not necessary to beat the game so it didn't affect that at all! Ha!!

Oh and btw, I love you Mary. If you read this. I just wanted to say that. I feel kind of lost in your life, like I don't really have a place any more and that's ok but I just wanted to say that I still love you! *hug* I just want you to be happy darling! =)

And to Mary and Sean, if you guys are reading this, am going to start trying to save to come and visit. You both came to see me and I was no fun either time and I'm sorry but now it's my turn to make the effort and I'm going to try to beat my spending problem and save up to come see you. I miss you guys terribly but maybe I'm just still living in the past... >.>

Okies, I'm shutting up. I'm feeling all pathetic now and I don't know why! Oh well, I think I'm just lonely, I get up early in the morning (5am peoples...) and go to work and and come home to an empty house and I go to sleep while it still empty, grumble something to Alex in my sleep when he gets home then next day I start the whole thing over again... I put my brave face on but it is really hard... I feel like I'm drifting from all the people I care about too! Not only my besties in Ireland but my friends here, most of them have already moved and now Matteus is moving to Sweden right after graduation and I don't know why because we're not really that close, he's Alex's and Ethan's best friend, not mine but he is a good friend, but it's really hitting me hard. I don't want him to go... It's going to make me cry for some inexplicable reason... I know Ethan's going to leave to, he isn't planning on it but I can feel it somehow... Then I'll be completely alone here... I guess I'm just being selfish and want people to stay...

Oh my god, I don't think I've ever whined so much in my life. For serious, I'm shutting up now!

Uhm... was that short enough? >.>

Feel like a rant right now... no particular reason, I just feel worked up all of sudden! Well see it's because I went home from work early, I mean not like really early, like a half hour early, but I still feel really bad leaving Amanda to do all the clean up work even though she was the one who told me I could go! See me and Alex working in the same place and having completely opposite schedules is pretty much made of fail. He started work at 1 pm today and at noon me and Amanda were almost finished but not quite, we figured by 12:30 all we would have to do is dishes and sweeping, mopping etc. So she told me to call Alex and have him come pick me up so he could bring me home before he went to work because otherwise I would've had to wait until his lunch break at 3... Which I don't mind, I've done it quite a few times and I always have a book in my purse so it's not like I'm bored or anything! But out manager was there today (which I had no idea she would be until I walked in this morning at 6 and was like O.O Oh fuck... She wasn't scheduled to be there today!! Why must she always torture me???? Ugh, I'll talk about her later... >.>) and she was making frowny faces about it but didn't say anything. (I'm sure she'll bitch about it later though...) And then Alex came in at 12:30 and I wasn't quite done packaging cinnamon rolls and strawberry cream cheese croissants so I was like "Just wait I'm almost done!" And then he was making frowny faces at me cuz I was cutting it pretty damn close! See it takes 10-15 min to get to our house, one way. So yeah bad me, but I couldn't just leave shit undone, especially since I was leaving early... I hate leaving early for stupid reasons like that, I should've just fucking stayed and finished and then read my book in the truck for 3 hours! But Amanda was insistent upon it and she does need the hours more that I do... I already have overtime for this week and last week and she is no where near full time yet... But still it's really bothering me, I feel like a lazy bitch... I hope she made it out of there in good time... Ack, what's worse is that I left her alone with Deeayn!!! (Our manager)

Ok, seriously, she's psycho! I mean I'm sure most people say that about there managers but my manager is actually CRAZY!!! She talks to herself ALL THE TIME. And not in the weird quirky way like most interesting people do, like I do it to you know! But in the I'm actually having a conversation with imaginary people kind of way... It's freaky, we all think she's planning to murder us... And she never actually does anything while she's there!! See she works 2 days a week, just 2! And still manages to piss off everyone in the bakery and deli and accomplish absolutely nothing but that... She doesn't do any baking she doesn't help package or frost anything or get stuff from the freezer, NOTHING! She stands around and watches us do things and then criticizes whatever we do. But not in an overt bitchy way, she just likes to make little suggestions... Like today "Oh, well... I would've cooked those just 4 minutes longer. They're just not quite dark enough." It just bothers me that she has the gall to tell us how we should be baking stuff when she doesn't even know how to do any of it! Seriously when she's left alone to bake, she has to CALL ONE OF US TO FIND OUT HOW TO DO IT!!!! OMFGWTF!?!?!?!? AND then she also burns everything, I just had two days off and walked out to put some stuff on the shelves and I saw the rolls that had been made before and they were near black. For serious!!! ROLLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOLDEN BROWN GODDAMMIT!!! Anyways you can't make her happy no matter what you do, if you do something one way (like say leaving the bread in for that extra 4 minutes) she'll come out and say "Oh, well... I would've taken that out maybe just 4 minutes before you did, it's just a little too dark..." And NO I am not exaggerating, it happens EVERYTIME! And she has the bad habit of getting new products in and not telling us how she wants them baked or frosted or packaged or how much they're going to be and we have to figure it out on our own. Which is no problem, we're not stupid we can do it, but it's HER JOB! SHE'S THE FUCKING MANAGER!!!!! And then of course once we figure out ow to do it, she'll come in and decide she's wants it done another way... She just makes everything so complicated... She's seriosly cracked out or something... She deludes herself into thinking she does things to!! Like this one time we got an order for 300 donuts (back when we were in the old store and only had one person in the bakery a day) and it was my day off but I offered to come in and whip out real quick and go home because Brenda (who was working bakery that day) wouldn't have enough time to do them and all the normal stuff she had to do so I didn't mind helping out! But the day before she was refilling out frostings and noticed that the maple and chocolate buckets were almost empty so she decided to go ahead and just open up the new ones so they'd be ready to go for me tomorrow because it is a pain to get those mother fuckers open. She was just putting them back on the shelf (and I kid you not, Roberta was our witness even!) Deeayn comes trotting down the stairs and walks over to us and says "Look, I opened up the new frostings for you because I knew you'd need them tomorrow! Aren't I great?" ... Me, Brenda & Roberta: ._. WTF? Seriously, she's insane! She's always changing her mind about EVERYTHING, one day she'll want it done a certain way and then the next day she'll want it done another way and then the next day it'll change again. Same thing with me, one day she'll like you and think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread and the next day you're in the dog house for no reason. It's just frustrating, she's supposedly going to be gone by the end of the summer (she's been retired like 5 times though and come back everytime) but she's training Brenda to be the manager and still doesn't let her do anything though... It's just... *shakes head* I need a new job. I've been there almost a year now and I barely make over $7 an hour. Fuck my life.

Oh and another thing about work, our oven is pretty much broken and has been since we got it in JANUARY! And we're only now just getting a new oven... It's still too small for that bakery but whatever...

Ok, totally done ranting about work. I actually (believe it or not) do like my job. Management not so much... I LOVE all the girls I work with in there, though it really sucks because we're losing Brandy and she is like awesomex100! She's so much fun, but if she keeps working her kids won't have insurance any more and she has 5 very accident prone kids and they NEED insurance!

Anyways, in other good news, I finally applied to college... Like for real! I mean I've applied before and said I was going to go and hey look didn't go... I even went so far as to be enrolled in classes before I just bailed... >.> But I fucking mean it this time, I'm getting my ass out of here and doing something with my life! Something I want to do!

Oh that brings me to my other bitch rant though (I swear this is the last one!) So I kind of have a problem with me shopping and spending money... It's pretty much therapeutic for me in the way that I need to go crazy every once and a while and splurge on things I want otherwise I just start feeling like all my money goes to bills and groceries and that's it. So anyways, I decided that I'd wait and pay my rent on the 1st when I get paid, rather than pay it early like I usually do because I really just needed to blow some money, I know it's horrible. But seriously, it does keep me sane and I ALWAYS make sure I pay my bills and everything before I spend any money, it just means that saving is pretty much non-existent in my life... Anyways, so yeah I decided to spend money because I really wanted to pretty much and it was a toss up between anime, MTG cards and manga. I ruled out manga because I really have been reading that much lately, though that would've been the cheapest option... And I haven't been playing that much MTG because Alex won't play with me and none of my friends have been over to play, so I ruled that out. So that left anime, sweet glorious anime that I've been watching tons and tons of!!! (I'm addicted to One Piece right now! FTW! xD) So there's this pretty much unknown company called SPHIATT that sells alot of anime really cheap! See because it's not the offical north american releases, I mean they're legit dvds from the manufacturer and such but they are not the offical NA releases as I said. The NA releases only have like 2-3 episodes per disk and pretty much only rarely have Japanese audio with English subtitles. Pretty much all the SPHIATT stuff is offered in either both English and Japanese or just Japanese! (The way I like it! xD) So anyways I pretty much blew $400, got all the Naruto (44 Discs) and Bleach (26 Discs) and the Studio Ghibli stuff etc. So yeah I made the order used my debit card though nothing of it. Used my debit late again that night to buy Microsoft points on the 360 to buy arcade games! (I'm bad I know!) Then the next I went to go check my balance to see exactly how much I had left (I'd only approximated) and to see if our checks had been taken out yet. The ATM told me I had an invalid card number... Even though it still addressed me as Samantha... I was like.. OOokkkaaayyy... So I tried it again and same thing. So I had Alex check it and his worked no problem! Hrmmmm... So then the next or day or maybe later that night I went on to the UM website to finish my application, actually I'd already finished it, I just needed to pay the fee. I typed in all my card information and whatnot and it told me "I'm sorry but your card has been declined." ... WTF? I have over $300 in my account and it's a DEBIT CARD and it's been DECLINED???? So I tried it again, same result! Then we get a call from Val telling us that she got a message from the bank saying that they needed to verify a transaction with me and that my card has been put on hold until they can clarify that I made the transaction and that nobody has stolen my card information. Right, I don't know why they called Val's number we moved out in October and gave the bank all our new info! And then there's the problem of we have a long-distance block on the line because these used to be vacation cabins and Brenda didn't want people racking up a bill while they were staying. And it was not our local bank branch that called me, but HQ. Great, can't freaking call 'em back! So my debit is still on hold until they can get a hold of Val who can give them our actual number and I can verify that yes I am a crazy fangirl and yes I really did buy 400 in anime, thank you very much and have a nice day! BTW the company is legit, me and my brother have both purchased from there before... The bank is crazy! I've made far crazier transactions from far less known companies before!!!

ANYWAYS... Oh yeah (crap not done) so you know how we moved out of our apartment and away from our roommates just so we could have a place of our own and whatnot. Well the guy that moved in in our stead was a friend of all of ours, but apparently nobody is really a happy camper. Just because you're friends doesn't mean you can live together peacefully. There was a complete and utter lack of communication between all of them and now Katie and Chad are moving out and getting a place with her mom and brother, rendering Sean homeless for a while... But then they called us today to say that Sean was trying to steal some of the stuff we left and if we could call them back to we can decide what we're doing with our stuff or whatever. And this left me puzzled because I was pretty certain we got everything except the dryer (they were still using it and we had one here so no biggie, they're still our friends) and our old TV. (We bought a new so we didn't really need, we let them keep it for the time being) So maybe he's trying to take our tv, I don't know... Maybe we left more there than we though we did, I don't know! I had petty much no involvement in the moving or packing except the books, movies and clothes. I worked the whole time so Alex and Matteus took care of everything, or were supposed to. I'm sure they forgot stuff... But I don't know, it's pretty just like a giant war between them now and I'm not taking sides!

Oh btw, I've decided to study Japanese. I feel kind like a lame fangirl for doing it, but it's not like I want to learn it so I can just watch anime and read manga without subtitles or waiting it to be translated into English! (Though that will be a perk!) It's because I love the language, I think it's beautiful and I am incredibly interested in Japan in general. I'm very immersed in there pop cutlure you know, music, movies, games, tv shows, writers... And I love their history and I independently set out to learn Japanese when I was in high school and did pretty well, except I never kepy my studies up so now I've forgotten alot of it... But my point is that I think that shows that it's actually something I'll be motivated to do if I did it of my own free will in my own time you know? Anyways, I'm pretty excited about that, I hope I like it, if not I'll transfer to a history major! =P Omg, I just remember that I even had a Japanese penpal (well I have like 10) who I would write to IN JAPANESE. It was crappy Japanese but I think she got the gist... >.> She wrote back to me in Japanese and I got her gist... Though it was really hard to understand because I kind of just pretty much immersed myself in it without knowing much vocabulary! It was fun though! =) Anyways, so yeah I'm excited. I hope I get to do an exchange and study over in Japan for a bit they send two people a year, I'd have to keep top grades in order to be chosen... Apparently it's a work study though and I'd go over there and teach Japanese students English! Insanity! ^_^

Anyways, so college is looking good finally. I still fully intend to become a librarian, but I need a undergraduates degree first before I can go on and study Library Science as a graduates degree (it's not offered undergrad). But the only crappy thing is that I pretty much am going to have to get loans to pay my tuition, the government pretty much told me that they aren't going to help me... Well they told me that my Expected Family Contribution was $11500... O.O Like my family has that kind of money! *rolls eyes* So loan for my tuition... And I'm going to need to get one so I can live and eat and breathe!! Because I personally know my own limits and I'm not the type of person that can really handle a full time job and full time student. Because I can only give one thing my all and I'll just end up doing a half-assed job of both if I try... I know that probably sound stupid and weak and you're thinking I should toughen up, but seriously, if I'm going to be debt for the rest of my life because I go to college, I'm fucking going to make it worth while and give it my all and not abuse or take it for granted in any way shape or form! Which means pretty I'll be dedicated to my schoolwork (like I always am with school) and won't really have time for anything else except maybe my computer or books! =P But anyways yeah, so I'll be in even MORE debt for the rest of my life!!! But hopefully it'l be worth it... And my parents income only counts until I'm 21 then it's my income and they can see how poor I am and give me money... Like Alex gets! See his expected family contribution is $259... That's fucking it!!! Part of it is because he's 21 and his yearly income is like $8000 and part of it is because he was in foster care for 8 years. See and I can become fully independent of my parents in 3 ways, I can be 21 like I mentioned before, I can get married or I can have a baby. Well one of them takes two years and I'm not waiting that long, I've already waited that long actually! And the other is no fucking way because I hate babies!!! And the other one well... I don't want to get married so I can go to college for cheap, that's... just horrible, on so many levels! I'm marrying for love and when I'm good and ready! I mean I love Alex and I do hope and dream that we will get married, but I'm still young and I don't really feel ready yet. I don't feel sure that he is who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I mean we're not having problems or anything, I'm still very much happy with him and very in love, I just still wonder sometimes if there's a better match out there for me! I really don't think there is though because he seriously gets me. I mean every part of me and it's fantastic. And I get him. I don't know maybe that's that it's all about... But still, me and commitment are not good friends... >.>

ANYWAYS... SO yeah, a kind of dilemma there. I just don't want to feel pressured into doing anything I'm not ready for! But I want to go to college so badly... Not being in debt would be nice but I can live with it! =)

Anyways, wow I've ranted enough I think... I'm going to go.... do something now... Probably laundry... Oh joy! =P

Love to all! *hug*